How could ketchup get this hard?
You just hold it in your hand like this, and say
You are the biggest ketchup I've ever had.
Hey, everybody. I got it, I got it.
Don't panic. At least you caught it in the early stage.
No, I got the papers so we can see if our ticket win the lottery.
120 million dollars.
Fun! If we win, I'll get an eighth of my trust fund back.
Come on. Now, who's got our ticket?
I've got the ticket. I put it in here.
I figured it's where everybody else gets lucky.
By the way, if we win,
I'm gonna buy a condo right next to Great Adventure and go there everyday drunk.
Also put a soda fridge in my garage fo sho (for sure).
Earl, what are you gonna do with your share if we win?
Well, I'll get out of this club chop as fast as I can,
and set me up with some kind of a Hugh Hefner situation.
Here we go, for the big money.
Woo. If I win, hello Netflix subscription.
We need a six, a ten, a five, a 12 and a nine.
And the first number isĄ­6!
And the second number is 47.
Good thing I didn't pay my share of the tickets yet, suckers!
Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards
So we can hand them out at the Williamsburg crafts fair.
Oh, can't wait
Me and you handing out free cupcakes
stuck between hipsters selling crochet
iPad sleeves and Salt-n-Pepa Salt and Pepper Shakers.
We are not just giving them away for free. It's marketing.
One person eats it and spreads it around their friends.
So we are herpes.
Hello, Sophie.
If you looked any sweeter, you would fire up my diabetes.
Oh, Earl. You wouldn't be the first man to lose a limb over me.
Sophie, I'm surprised to see you in here.
Stutter buzz says you and Oleg are no longer together.
Wow, this little girl likes to gossip. Yes?
Won't you scutter your little butt over there
Come see me in my booth.
Are we over here so Oleg can't see you through the kitchen window?
What is this? Diner or back issue of Cosmopolitan magazines?
I grew up reading Cosmo.
I mean, what a six-year-old doesn't need to know? The hidden male erogenous zones.
It's the nipples, the end.
I came to give you girls a cleaning job tomorrow.
We can't tomorrow. We are doing the crafts fair.
We are turning down a real paying job to go to the crap fair?
Yes, it's important that we focus on the cupcake business.
And you can't spell "focus" without "us".
Or FU.
Hello, Sophie.
Hello, Oleg.
So, do you miss the sex?
Oh, you know what? We should go.
No. We are having a conversation here.
And besides, the sex was not that good.
Oh, it was that good.
It wasn't that good.
Please, I beg you. Let us go.
You can go. I'm kind of into it.
Like, it's like a dirty Downton Abbey.
So why are you still standing there
giving me those sad, cow eyes
in that brown velure.
Because it's a good look on me.
And because I'm waiting for you to admit that you came here
because you miss the sex.
I miss summers in Minsk.
I miss smoking in hospitals.
But I don't miss the sex.
Fine, then. What would you like to eat?
I'll have my usual sausage.
Ok, ding. It's ready.
Max's homemade cupcakes.
Max's delicious homemade cupcakes
- Let's move this along. Max's homemade cupcakes.
Max, come on. Could you at least try and have a better attitude at the crafts fair?
I was doing fine until my hair got gang feather by that girl from that church of good vibes.
Hi!
I'm from the Funnel Cake booth back there
and your little table is sadder than watching the notebook at a funeral.
Hey Dutch girl,
why don't you go stick your finger in a dyke.
I'm sure you can find one over near the plus sized denim.
Max, please. We are all business woman here.
Yeah. Some of us wearing table cloth on their heads.
Just so you know they make shift tables cause we are just starting out.
We've only been in business eight months.
Heidi, how long have we been funneling?
Everyday 24-7 for the past three months.
And we already have a booth.
Yeah we do.
I have to say you girls really take the fun out of funnel.
Actually we put the fun in the funnel.
See? You can't start "funnel" without "fun".
Or FU.
Three months and they've already had a booth. We're behind.
Max's homemade cupcakes.
Take this!
See? Success!
Scaring people into participating isn't success.
It's Scientology.
Calling Sophie we're taking that job.
You'd better have a good reason you're late,
because I managed to get here on time despite removing the disease pigeon feathers from my hair.
I do.
So today when we were cleaning up that apartment and I had my hands in a total stranger's toilet,
I realized if we're really gonna be successful, we've got to think outside the bull.
So after I thoroughly washed my hands,
I know they never really come off though, right?
Off your soul, I mean.
I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job.
And it's in Manhattan. It's the first birthday party for the son of a socialite.
60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top.
Buttercream?
This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner.
I was expecting wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy.
Why? Is your business partner on a show on Nicklodeon?
Look I don't do buttercream.
Buttercream is a bitch.
If it doesn't stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.
Max we have to take this job, it's the next step for us,
cause all we're doing these days is cleaning apartment and working at the diner.
That's not all I'm doing. I also babysit for Peach.
Oh, Peach is fine with it.
Why would Peach be fine with it?
Look I was gonna tell you this after the Nickelodeon high five
but that didn't happen and I got thrown.
Peach is the connection I used to get us the party.
You called Peach without asking me and begged her for a job?
I didn't beg. I ask her if she knew anybody who could use us
and she was more than happy to recommend us for her friend Constance.
No way I'm not comfortable with this.
Sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable.
It's the way you grow.
No it's the way you get a ride home from a keger in the woods.
Max.
Max I'm sorry but we can't turn into those people who work and work
just to pay their bill don't have any time to pursue their dreams.
You mean Americans?
I'm telling Peach tomorrow we're not doing it. Now go get some milk.
No problem cause that's what waitresses do and
apparently that's all we'll ever be.
What?
I have to prove the sex was not that good.
Oleg on the food?
Don't say it like that,
That ham was already glaced before we go there.
So I am guessing you are back together?
Oh no no, the sex was not that good.
Oh, it was that good.
I went to get Mayo,
and it all happened so fast.
Ok babies, give me fashion, give me a face, yea.
Peach, I don't know what's going on in your apartment,
but I would like it on the record:
I'm not a willing accomplice.
So what is going on here?
Well, Brad is giving us seduction like his name sake
and Angelina is giving us nothing like her name sake.
This is pretty fancy set up, were the kids nominated for an Oscar?
Best performance by twins in a ridiculous situation?
It's a photo spread for my new mummy blog,
I'm calling it Mummy and Me. Isn't that clever?
And original.
I had a blog since my friend Constance started her blog,
we both have blogs and we both have babies.
Only her babies are adopted from Africa.
She will be winning if I didn't have two from a poor white hell billy thuggery.
About your friend Constance, I think I was supposed to do a party for her.
Max, please don't screw this up because I hate her and I need her to love me.
Yea, here is the thing. Thank you,
but Caroline should never have called you and asked you for a favor.
I'm not comfortable asking to do that.
But I did it for you.
And now you will do that for me.
And Max this has to go swimmingly
which is a new word I just learned.
So you are saying I can't get out of it?
I'm saying: Max, you can't get out of it.
Max, still not talking to me because of the Peach thing?
Fine.
Those are some pretty bad ass buttercream cupcakes,
ain't no drama going on in that box!
Ok, I just went gangster, and not even a smile?
What? Are you planning to never talk to me again?
You nodded, if you were deaf that would be talking.
That's true, my brother is deaf,
not from birth, from firecrackers.
Relax, we still have time.
Ten more minutes on the train and a 15-minute walk.
The buttercreams are not gonna melt.
- Some people just like to create non-verbal drama. - En huh.
Attention passengers.
- There is an obstruction up on the track ahead. - No.
I bet someone jumped in front of the train.
Oh my God, what a tragedy,
the buttercream!
Attention passengers.
We apologize for this delay.
There is still an obstruction on the tracks ahead.
It's totally like a body.
They can't get it off and what not.
We should be moving shortly.
What is with this guy? He said that 20 minutes ago.
How are your cupcakes? Mine are getting a little loose.
Still? Still not talking?
Fine, Max. Now I'm not talking neither.
What is with her? She said that 20 minutes ago, too.
And she just keeps talking.
I know, right?
We probably hit the body.
So it is all up in the wheeling and what not.
Well, if there is what not under our wheels, and I don't get these cupcakes there,
I'm going to lose my babysitting job.
- Are we babysitters or bakers? - I was talking to him.
Stay out of this.
Nina,
if you two are bakers, maybe you should break up some of those cupcakes,
so we all don't starve.
No one is touching these cupcakes.
Our entire future is riding on these mothers.
I think I'm smelling like a, like a dead body smell.
Miss, you are making things so much worse in here.
Are you telling me you don't smell that?
It's like when my sister burned herself throwing firecrackers at my brother's ear.
This train is out of service.
We are approximately two blocks away from the next station.
We're gonna have to take you on foot.
Please form a single line and we will escort you to safety.
We are gonna walk?
They expect me to walk through a subway tunnel in heels?
Hey everybody I think we know who we are gonna eat first.
My god, it's so hot up in here. It's like 200 degrees.
If I faint and fall down,
the others rats will like eat me and what not.
Rats? Max, are there rats?
It's a subway. The floor is made of rats,
but you really have to worry about, the ninja turtles.
Thank you for responding.
Hold up.
I'm telling you right now. If I lose my babysitting job over this,
the rats would be the better option for you.
We are only two blocks from the station. We can still make it.
How are your cupcakes?
They are still holding together.
Like us. We are still holding together.
Geez, come on, don't bring gal. Less talk more walk.
Folks, It's a bit of gap here.
A gap? There can't be a gap. Why is there a gap?
Because people need reasonably price basics.
I'm gonna hop across and help the rest of you over.
Hey miss, you are next.
I put the line on, just grab it.
You know how many times I heard that from a guy in the tunnel?
Hey, just take these.
Careful, sir, it's buttercream!
I'm throwing you my purse. Here it comes.
Thank you. Right. Thank you.
Ok, miss, you next.
Hand me over the cupcakes and jump.
I can't. I'm terrified.
What if I fall? The rats will eat me.
I can never come back from that.
Bankruptcy? Yes. Rats? No.
"Hey Caroline, where are your toes?"
"Well, it's a long story."
Girl, if you fall that third rail,
it will fry you way before the rats get there.
Listen, Mariah, you are freaking me out.
If we're lucky, the rats will eat your mouth.
Caroline, it's ok. It's just a step. Take the step.
Hold these.
Come on, I'm right here.
I took the step, now you have to take the step.
That's right. You did. I do.
Here we go.
Back up everybody. Yea!
Go Caroline, go Caroline, go.
Go Caroline, go Caroline, ahhhhhhh!
I saw a rat. We made eye contact.
You know what? It would probably be easier if took those heels off.
Sir, that is never going to happen.
We are in Manhattan.
I may be under it but I'm still in it.
And when they pull out my half-eaten body,
I will be wearing my heels.
Mariah?
Why? I only have one.
What are you gonna do?
Jump back over and do something and whatnot?
Constance, we're sorry, we are late.
I don't wait. I don't wait for anything.
I already have the iPhone 8.
Sorry, we couldn't help it. We were trapped on the subway.
Well, just put some cupcakes on a plate
cause I got a roomful of women out there who need to cut something in half
and then eat the other half, and they need to do it now!
Welcome back to Manhattan. How do they look?
Like they all had unprotected sex with each other?
Oh, how are you two? I'm looking for the babies, I'm about just ten seconds I'm just giving up.
- Peach, there is a problem with the cupcakes. - There can't be.
Constance will kill me, literally. Her last two best friends went missing.
That is not attractive at all.
Is... is that what food looks like?
Why are there no cupcakes out? If you two work for me, I deport you.
There is a bit of cupcake situation. The buttercream sort of broke down on the way up.
It's not a problem, we can fix it.
I'll just run to a delly get what we need to touch them up and no one's the wiser.
And I take the full responsibility. My partner warned me that buttercream was a bitch.
I'm not being rude, that's technical baking term.
You expect me to pay 300 dollars for these?
Caroline Channing, I have to say that you're a bigger con artist than your father.
Then I have to say you're a bigger bitch than the buttercream.
I'm not your boss, so I can't hit you.
But I'm sure that Peach won't be your boss much longer either.
Right, Peach?
But I love Max.
She's been with me since I bought the twins.
I can't live without her.
You are never coming to another one of my parties.
Max, you're fired.
It's my fault. You lost your babysitting job, and I feel awful.
Hey, I'm the one who call that bitch a "bitch".
And I'm gonna write those awesome films right up until we got evicted.
Why can't you just admit that the sex was that good?
You know it, I know it, the ham with the bite marks in the freezer knows it.
Ok, fine. The sex was that good,
as was the ham.
It was that good because it was more than just sex.
It was love.
Oh... it is not love.
Oh, it is love.
Oh... it is not love.
It was dirty, disgusting sex.
Yes, it was.
Oleg, do you really love Sophie?
Yes, I do. And one day I will kiss her.
Her lips will be mine.
Wait, you never kissed her?
Not on the lips of her face.
But that day will come.
Man, I can't believe that I'm actually saying this,
but that is pretty freaking romantic.
I'm looking for Max, I think her last name is "Black".
Oh, sorry, maybe it's "African American"?
You think her name is "Max African American"?
Peach, what're you doing here? Who's with the twins?
They're in the car, don't worry,
I rolled up the windows and locked the doors, so they're safe.
Max, I'm sorry for pretending to fire you in front of the Constance.
Pretended? That felt pretty real.
Yeah, I'm good. My fake orgasms are so real even I believe them.
Peach, this is all my fault. Please give Max her job back.
That's why I'm here. Max, come back, I need you to watch them tomorrow,
and then everyday.
Peach, I don't think I can work for you tomorrow,
or any other day.
We have to focus on our business.
Max, are you sure you're comfortable with this?
No, I'm not comfortable, but that's the point, right?
You gotta take a step.
Well, then how about just for another year?
By then the twins will be old enough to take care of themselves.
No, but I promise I'll come by and say "Hi" to the twins whenever I can.
Oh, Max,
I will never find someone as wonderful as you who speaks English.
Bye, Max.
Wow, good for you, good for us.
Hope so. That's the first job I ever quit without a job to take its place.
You have another job. You work for yourself.
You're your own boss.
My own boss? I can't wait to sleep with myself to get a promotion.